Obstacles on the trail...

It has been months since I have been on a hike. Last June our family hiked at Swallow Falls in Garrett County, Maryland. Many wonderful memories have been made there. In college, we spent time there for many of our biology and ecology courses and for the past few years we've made it a part of our yearly Deep Creek Lake vacation. This is one of my favorite places to hike. It is a calm and peaceful place--one that centers me and relaxes me. So much life in that hemlock forest--This is an example of an old growth forest, one that is wise for its years and has seen so much change on so many levels. 

I too have been experiencing much change. As another birthday comes just around the next bend, I take time to reflect and look back. Like hiking up a steep trail, one can slip--misfootings here and there can take you in a direction you did not plan on. My trail has had just that--some steep spots to climb and a few obstacles along the way. In January I started seeing a therapist again after several years. My therapist has been wonderful at listening and giving me the tools to understand the past and how it has shaped the present. 

Childhood trauma is a real thing. I never thought that I had a traumatic childhood. My parents were wonderful to me...we always had food in the refrigerator, toys to play with, and vacations in the summer. I realized through my mental health journey that trauma is not always what we picture. It is not only abuse, neglect, homelessness--it can be so much more. For me, trauma came from loss, it came from pressures, it came from bullying and harassment from my peers, and it came from family members who thought they were kidding when the words really hurt (and stuck with me for decades). Acknowledging that as trauma and dealing with it in a healthy way has taken me on a new journey. Inviting it along for the hikes--taking it like one would tackle Mount Rainier, one step at a time--acclimating to the new levels and resting at camp when needed. It has been a long nine months with many more to go, but healing has occurred. I have stopped blaming myself for other's actions. I have accepted that just because someone I love said something does not mean I should not love them, it means they are human too. It allowed me to place the blame where it needed to be on the adults and peers that hurt me and not on myself for not acting different. 

This came out as a realization. Growing up I was told that "I would make someone the perfect wife one day" because I could sew and cook and can foods. I was told that only girls do that when I crocheted with my grandmother and aunts. I was told that my skin was too dark or my lips were too big or my hair was too curly. I was never happy with myself for watching "The Golden Girls" and "Murder She Wrote" with my Gram because I felt that it was wrong. So much of my life was trying to make myself fit in. I spent a lot of time being bullied for shorts that were too short, clothes that were not stylish, a high pitched voice, best friends that were girls, and a feminine attitude when I should have been masculine. I was bullied by coaches and players for "throwing like a girl" or "kicking like a pansy". My teammates and coaches should have been helping me along the way, but I was met with ridicule and disgust. 

Unfortunately, this culminated in my high school years. I was bullied off of teams and forced to hide who I was. Thankfully, I did have teachers and coaches who looked out for me. My Biology teacher and track and cross country coach was an amazing human being--he was kind and accepting and pushed me to do my best. I had two of the best English teachers anyone could ask for--they stretched my brain, challenged my thoughts, and encouraged me to write with my heart as well as my head. My history teacher, chemistry teacher, and higher level biology teacher all inspired me to teach and challenged me to do well when the tasks were difficult. I could go on and on about the many teachers, elementary through high school, who were there for me--But that did not stop the pain of the bullying or take away the hurt of the adults who allowed it to happen.

More than two decades later I am finally dealing with that pain.

Hiking up my own Mount Rainier one step at a time. Dealing with mental illness is not easy task. But I am inspired by my wife and children, as well as my students, to keep moving forward every day. I am inspired by the many students who have stood up to their bullies and accepted who they were. I can continue to wallow in a mountain of regret--following the trail of the "coulda-shoulda-woulda" OR I can follow a trail of enlightenment, and that is what I have chosen to do. John Muir penned "In every walk in nature-get far more than you seek." This has been true for me. My walks in nature and talks with my therapist have led me to find a part of my true self--I am bisexual. My wife and hiking companion is with me on this journey--helping me find the blazes along the trail and navigate the obstacles--and I could not ask for more. This is who I am. Take it or leave it. As I map out my 20 mile hike to High Rock from Gambrill Mountain, I am reminded that it takes time to navigate something new. Leaving the familiar trails of the past for a new adventure--I cannot wait!