For everything there is a season...

 

Another birthday has come and gone. I get so anxious around each one. It is not the growing older, but the closer to death that seems to scare me. My faith is strong, but the analytical part of me is literally "scared to death" about it. Because of that, I find it interesting that fall is my favorite season. Everything is dying or going dormant and you'd think that would only exacerbate my fear of death and dying, but it doesn't. 

There is something about the change
and colors that is calming to me. The yellows, reds, and oranges on the trees and the crisp air--it brings back so many wonderful memories of my childhood. Apple orchards and pumpkin patches, fall festivals at Rock State Park and Miami Beach, late season crabs, and roasting hotdogs over a fire. We spent our childhood doing all these things and more! Drives around the state to see the leaves changing colors, trips to Lancaster, Pennsylvania to go shopping--it all seemed so magical to me. I think that is why I try to do so much in the fall with my own children (much to their chagrin) building memories that will last them a life time. 

My fear of death and abandonment really came to light when my grandparents died in 1994. My Pop suffered from cancer and past away on July 9th and then my Grandma who was in a nursing home and suffering from dementia, as well as other ailments, passed on November 15th. I had a hard time coping with my grief. That was when I learned how to mask my emotions, hide my anxiety, and I started the journey of needing to be needed. During that time I attended a grief workshop at my elementary school. We made little books to write about the people we lost and we read a story, Freddie the Leaf. This was a powerful story about a leaf that holds on to the bitter end and finally realizes that this is a part of his life and he lets go to be with the other leaves. 

I think of Freddie often--especially this time of year. I see the change of the leaves and feel the chill in the air and I cannot help but get excited and anxious all at the same time. A new season in the year is much like a new season in life. It brings hope for new things, but also anxiousness for what might be lost or changed. I have entered many new seasons all at once in my life. Changing my career path and teaching high school and coming out as bisexual have put my life on new paths. As I shared before, I have been in therapy for a while now trying to unmask the hidden emotions, accept myself, and deal with the crippling depression that leads me to thoughts of suicide--but right now I am trying to learn to love myself for who I am, unconditionally. This is something that I have never been able to do or to accept that others could. 

I love unconditionally, but cannot accept that love in return. I have lived in a "I am just not good enough" mentality for so long that it has become my reality. People along the way have celebrated my success and given me accolades for a job well done, but secretly I have felt as though I did not deserve them. It is hard to accept success when you do not fully love yourself. This is my new journey--acceptance and love. 

Like Freddie, I need to realize that there are seasons to life. People will come and go and we learn from them along the way. I have not dealt with emotions for so long not because it is not "macho" or "masculine" to cry or feel things (I do both of those plenty), but it is the need to be needed, the need to control things and be in charge that has kept me from this. You see, if you always feel needed and you always feel as though others cannot do something without you that they cannot really leave you. Abandonment is a real fear of mine. Logically I know that I am surrounded by people who love and and will never really leave me, but emotionally I cannot accept it. My biggest fear besides death is being abandoned and alone. This is why it is so hard for me to do so many things. I feel like I have to be the keeper of the knowledge and the doer of all things--If I am, you will always need me and therefore will not leave me. 

This too is something I am working through. Trying hard to mediate on the words of Ecclesiastes 3:1-8...

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace."

Right now I am centered on a time to heal, a time to mourn, and a time to cast away stones. I am HEALING my wounds, MOURNING my losses, and CASTING AWAY those thoughts that do not serve me. It is a process that will, I know, take time, but one that will serve me well as I journey through the rest of what life has for me.