Through Hiking

Who am I and where am I going? Two vital questions that we ask ourselves over and over again. I sit here and think--Am I doing it right? Am I making the right choices? Am I living my life to the fullest? I perseverate on these questions and constantly second guess myself. There is no trail map for life, but I have found that their are blazes along the way. The people that you meet through hiking the trail of life can help lead you in the right direction or steer you off course. For someone like me, I have been blessed to have met many through hikers on their own journey that have helped to guide me and lead me along the trail. However, sometimes the obstacles are not the boulders or fallen trees, but they have been me. 

My trail has been riddled with difficult terrain caused by those that have bullied me. They have chipped away at my self confidence and made the hike more arduous than it had to be; however, I have put up the barriers. I have created many of the obstacles that have stood in my way and made the hike even harder. Growing up with self doubt and a need to please others has led to many off shoots to my trail that have led to regret and depression. My uncle once said to me that he could not look at the past and regret the choices he made because of what it led to, what he had now, in the present. I have thought of this a lot in the years since he shared this sage piece of advice and I have tried to live by it, but those feelings of regret and disdain for myself and my choices has continued to creep in along the trail like poison ivy or pricker bushes that scratch at you as you hike. 

It is only recently that I tried a new technique in therapy. This new way of thinking is not one that stifles the emotions or disregards them, but is one that acknowledges them and causes you to think of ways to move on. Instead of backtracking and trying to find the trail, you keep walking ahead and find a new route to your destination. You look at where you are and navigate a new route to get to where you want to be--it is about orienting your self to the map and finding that path that will lead you forwards--not focusing on the past and how you could have done it differently or how you wanted to do it in a different way. 

This gives me some peace in my life that I have not felt in ages. It is a way to stop beating myself up for not coming out sooner or not taking a risk or not sharing a dream. It is a way for me to look up at the stars, appreciate the movement, and navigate a trail. Redefining myself as a bisexual male has not really changed me, but it has set me free from hiking the same trail over and over again hoping to get to my destination. I came out to the world as way to seek approval as I have my whole life. I have not had the self confidence that I needed--I have morphed myself into what I thought would please others--I was premed to impress my family, I wanted to be a lawyer to make others happy--I never felt that what I did was good enough. I stressed myself out in high school in the International Baccalaureate program to make a point that I could do it. Though I did not get my IB diploma I have, I'll admit, lied about in the past to others to save face. I could not be happy with the fact that I earned certificates and not a diploma. I have always felt less than, even though no one told me I was. I held myself to such high standards and instead of studying and reading the textbook, I spent more time worrying about how to study--writing and rewriting my notes, redoing things to make them look right and feel right. Never reaching out for help, just plugging along and letting the stress and anxiety build. I should have admitted years ago that I had a problem. That the OCD, anxiety, and depression were crippling me, but I could not look weak. 

I was not the Yale scholar that I wanted to be or the star athlete. I did not have the Calvin Kline underwear model body or hoards of girls wanting to date me. I did not have that core group of guy friends to hang out with or the coolest car. I spent so much time measuring my faults that I did not take stock in the strengths that I had. I have spent years in therapy getting no where because I wanted to tell the therapist what I thought they wanted to hear--but here is what I want to say--HELP ME. 

(L) October, 2023 down 20 pounds (R) February 2022 highest weight

I have been a lost hiker on this trail. I have not looked at my guides or consulted the stars to help me navigate. I am thankful for where I am and my life that I have--but I need to grow from this. I've spent countless hours thinking about dying. Hoping that I do not have to live this life anymore. Tired of being depressed, stressed, anxious, and obsessing over things. If only I had spoken up and asked for help then, I would not be where I am--

That is not how I want to think. I am happy with where I am. I am married to a phenomenal woman who supports me in everything I do. I have four of the best kids you could ask for. We built a house and life together. I have a job that I am damn good at and I am in a field where I feel well respected by my peers. I did all of that despite all of the worry, the stress, the disapproval, the thoughts in my head, and wanting to end it all. I did that and think of all that I could do if I did not feel this way, if I did not have to constantly cope with this mental illness. 

Again, not living in regret, but realizing my step count could be just as high, but my trail could be even longer if I stopped rethinking and re-hiking and just blazed ahead. Proverbs 16:9 "We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps." How true this is in my journey. Those steps that seemed wasted or misguided served a purpose. They allowed me to meet new people, to share my own message, and witness the love of Jesus through others. So, welcome to my new path--where it will lead, I don't know yet. Will I get my doctorate? Will I make a great discovery? Will I be able to research in the field? Who knows--but I know I will move forward. I know I will be supported. And I know I will be successful, as I always have been because of those people on the trail who guide me and help me. I just have to start accepting that help and not carry this load alone. 

Thank you for being my guides in the past, now, and in the future. Love to all!