Back on the trail--Summer Days and Tomato Plants

Summer brings a time for a reset. The days are longer. The weather iswarmer (sometimes too warm). It is a season of growth. As I watch my gardens bloom and flourish, I am reminded that we all need this time to blossom and grow. However, like the plant needs water, we too need something to nourish our souls and help us stay strong during those times. Growth can be both exciting and scary--it can bring to light deep-seeded fears and cause us to face our realities AND it can be a time to reflect on all the good in our lives and the milestones that we have reached. So many look at growth as a "this or that" situation, but why can't it be both. A few weeks ago I finally got to planting my vegetable garden. It does not have all my regulars, but it has the standbys. The tomato plants we picked out were well established. When I transplanted them into my beds that were filled with fresh soil, compost, and worm castings, they drooped and turned yellow for a bit and lost some of the blossoms they had. However, in a few days with water, straw, and tender care they began to thrive and grow. New buds appeared and fruits began to ripen. The cucumbers had a much different outcome--one of the three survived--the others shriveled and died. It is the reality of change and growth. Sometimes we adapt like the tomato and other times that idea, project, or situation dies out making room from something new like the leeks that I put in. I know that starting my garden in the early July heat was a gamble. Unfortunately I did not get it in sooner, but that is life. Things do not always happen when we want or in the season that is best for it to, but we can make the best of what we have and still reap the benefits of the situation even if the harvest is not as bountiful as we once thought it would be or could have been. 

I have spent a lot of my life in the "coulda-shoulda-woulda" mentality. It is a hard place to be because we get lost in the doldrums of that world. Recently I was on a hike with my family in Shenandoah National Park--a beautiful place. We did a short loop near the visitors center, became Jr. Rangers, and shared in the beauty of a national park. Walking along the trail I saw remnants of what could have been and a saw the gorgeous views of what has flourished in this setting. When we pulled up to the visitor's center there stood a statue that my children realized stands in my favorite state park, Gambrill. It is that of a Civilian Conservation Corp. member. It is a reminder that in the deepest and darkest times we can turn something wild into something beautiful not by bulldozing it or taming it, but like the CCC, use the natural elements within it to build something that will grow with the wild. So many times I have wanted to tame the wild spirit within me--to make it fit a mold that I perceived it need to or that I thought others would approve of. I have used outside materials to build what should have come from inside. I think that is why I am so pulled to our national parks--specially those established during that time or renewal. The architecture, materials, and feel remind me that it is so important to appreciate the landscape around me and to adapt to that rather than try to tear it out and start fresh. 

I started the summer in those doldrums. Wishing I had worked out more, prepared the garden sooner, planned activities, and so on. I also realized that the stress of my masters thesis was weighing on me. I should have done better with my previous trials, changed vacation plans to better fit the schedule, or chosen a project that did not rely on an organism that only lays eggs one season a year. I needed to step back and understand that all of those things happened not because I had done something wrong, but because I was living a life with a career, family, and my own personal needs. I was not on anyone's timeline but my own. I needed to embrace where I was and look forward at where I was heading. I needed to be okay with my choices and the results. I needed to heal, understand, and reflect. Reflecting took me to the decision that I am going to make it. I will do the project--will it get published--who knows? Will it be the end of the world, no. Will it make me any less of a person, no. 

I also decided that I needed to continue my education. I was asked by a close friend, "Why do you go to so many professional developments?" I jokingly answered, "It is a vacation from my family for a day or two!" But it is not that at all--it is who I am. I am a student, a learner, a scholar. I have an unsatiable need to learn more about the natural world around me. I then, in turn, share that with my students. With that in mind, I made the decision to apply for a doctoral program. My therapist asked me why. What was the driving force behind it. At first I thought it was because I never went to medical school or had a high enough GPA in undergrad. It was to prove to the world that I could do something beneficial. To have a title. But now I realize that it is for me. It is a way to continue my learning and achieve an academic goal for myself. With our son a few years from college himself and needing to save for insurance and a third car--was this the right time? No, it is not the right time, but it is time. It is time for me to reach for that next step. I spend many nights kicking myself for not doing things sooner. I could already have a doctorate, I could have already done my research, but I finally realized that the journey is what has led me here. If I had not done a training a decade ago on horseshoe crabs, I would not be studying them today. We plant the garden when we can. The plants grow and flourish when they can. We harvest what ripens and use it to the best of our ability. 

Just like those CCC men of the bygone era, we need not tame the wild, but build within it and watch it grow. Just like my garden, I needed to take the time to clear the weeds, tend the soil, and plant the plants. We also have to work together. I am not behind the 8-ball because I have a wife and family, I am better for it. I have a village that will see me through. I have kids that are genuinely interested in the project that I do and want to be my assistants in the lab. I am blessed with this team that will get me through--they are my PhD Corp!